photo credit: Steve Ganz
Relationships are probably one area where we draw the most joy from, but also the worst sorrow. Some of the easiest and simplest things in life are often the most complicated.
I recently met an extraordinary writer at Blog World New York, Nancy Davis. Extraordinary because Nancy has the ability to discuss relationships, especially hers, with refreshing candor. She looks at the good, the bad and the ugly with the same impartial eye, and draws important lessons from each one.
On being yourself
Most relationships aren’t easy, and a faire share end badly. This goes for business relationships all the way to dealing with a sibling.
The toughest part in any relationship is just being ourselves.
This is where the biggest challenge lies. We are constantly monitoring our environment and checking people’s reactions. We are so preoccupied with how the others will react that we forget who we are.
Did I say the right thing? Why is she smiling, is she happy to see me? Umm, why is he frowning, is he still thinking about our argument?
Stop looking at others for cues. For any relationship to be successful we need to first define who we are and also design a compelling future. Unless of course you are looking for a one night stand.
It’s interesting how these two traits, self awareness and a vision for the future can translate online.
Relationships online aren’t different
On Monday my friend, Srinivas Rao, launched his guide to relationship marketing (not an affiliate). The premise of the book is that relationships are at the core of any blogger’s success. Most of us know this, but fail miserably to take action on it.
This is why I enjoyed reading Srini’s guide, it took me by the hand and showed me the way.
There are no big theories or brilliant case studies of A-list bloggers who have tens of thousands of subscribers in this book. These would be useless to most bloggers who have less than a thousand subscriber.
Instead of trying to impress me, Srini focused on HOW ‘digital babies’ grew their blogs quickly and broke down the online tactics of more established bloggers.
Since I can be lazy and I hate drawing tables, the guide has an entire workbook at the end which really means half the work is done for me.
I just wished I had the guide to relationship marketing when I started online, it would have saved me a lot of time and frustrations.
The guide will teach you the tactics but you still need to know who you are and what you look to achieve online.
There is really no excuse for not reaching out and developing great relationships online. Unless you are looking for an online one-nighter and are ready to accept the consequences.
- How do you develop relationships online?
Disclaimer: I received a free copy of Srini’s Guide to Relationship Marketing. Srini did not ask me to review his book, I offered because I felt it brought a lot of value. I will not get compensation in dollars, euros or costa rica colones for writing this or you buying the guide as a result.
Hi I'm a coach who believes life is an adventure, and entrepreneurs need to cultivate an adventure mindset to succeed.
{ 67 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi, John.
One thing that I know works for me in developing relationships whether online or offline is my smile. A lot of people has told me (offline) that they are drawn in by my smile first, then my animated nature second. So, I use those to my advantage. I am relatively new to the blogosphere, so when Bill Dorman told me I should build an online community first, I went right ahead and did it. I visited people’s blogs, introduced myself to them and made it a point to visit all of them and comment on their blogs at least once a week. I also used a photo in my Gravatar that a lot of people loved because they say it totally captures my smiling and friendly personality. While I watched what I was saying at first, after a while, I just let my thoughts flow right into my comment. I figured that if a blogger didn’t like what I had to say because I might sound boring, then that’s okay with me. People would have to accept me for who I am. The best relationships are made when people accept each other for who they are and not who they expect these people to be.
You got a great introduction to your review of Srini’s book here, John. I am glad you got to write about this.
I almost got lost blabbing right there. 
Hi John,
It’s an interesting topic! I’ve been thinking about this lately. You hear about people talking about taking relationships offline and calling and Skyping one another but something was stopping me. Finally I realized what it was. I saw having a Skype chat as something you do WHEN you have a relationship with someone, not SO YOU CAN have a relationship with someone. I think people build relationships online the same way they do offline – respecting their nature. I think Gini would call it organically. I go with what feels right and let it happen naturally. Then one day the Skype Chat just happens because it’s the natural progression of what’s started with Twitter and blog commenting and email.
Just my thoughts.
Lori
Hi Lori,
I couldn’t agree more. We all have different personalities and the way you just described your approach to building relationships mirrors mine. There is a time for everything and when it’s meant to happen it will. I wouldn’t Skype someone out of the blue after discovering their blog. I am not saying it’s wrong, but that’s just not me.
Yes to organic growth
Pretty much in sync with @marianneworley:disqus comment; it takes time. The more I get to know someone, the more comfortable I am in my side of the relationship the more me I reveal. It’s all the real me, but of course not the whole me. And I’m finding that online or offline, it makes no difference; it’s about the person and my sense of them and how we interact and where our relationship could go. For wine I will.
Davina, I guess we are all like this. You are right off or online nobody shares everything about themselves in the first meeting.
It took me sometime to decipher your acronyms now I get it.. FWIW
I’ve met the rare person who seems to be very open and upfront from the start, think most of us are a little more cautious. Not sure I know anyone who shares everything, except maybe those we make fun of w/ their Facebook fails.
Or the brilliant Youtube viral videos.
It’s funny, I often end up coming at the “toughest part is just being ourselves” from the exact opposite angle. An odd byproduct of my ADHD is that the natural cues, the things like the looks and the smiles are often missed by me (I’ve gotten better at seeing them over the years, but I have to look, I don’t just notice). My challenge isn’t in getting to being myself, but in owning and controlling what’s innately out there.
I love your thinking on the digital and the physical. I so believe that the gift of this next stage in communicate is in just how similar what we have on line is becoming to what we have in person. With the exception of the clear lack of a sarcasm font (so needs to happen), the range of connection and depth you can achieve with these tools is truly astounding.
As things keep going, I doubt it will be much of a matter of how you create better relationships online and we can just get back to focusing on how we can make better relationships, period.
Hi Michael,
Yes you are right the gift is that the tool isn’t the focus anymore, the relationship is and how we can almost copy offline ones.
Sarcasm is my biggest challenge, but as @3hatscomm:disqus Davina points out once you know the person a bit you can read the sarcasm or humor in their text.
How to make better relationships or make relationships better? Now that is a tough one. What do you suggest?
I think your point on sincerity, about being your real you (rather than the
pretend “best” you) is a solid first step. I think the second is to stop
pretending that where the relationship lives has any impact on the value of
the relationship itself.
Less bullshit and more caring seem to be as good a starting place as any…
Less BS and more caring- great moto. Will use this.
I have found that building online relationships is very similar to building offline ones. You start out with a few conversations, and slowly learn more about each other as the friendship progresses, and the “real you” is eventually revealed. I don’t throw everything out there in the first tweet. For example, I wait until I understand someone’s sense of humor before I start making sarcastic comments on their blog! For me, it’s a slow process, but my goal is definitely to build strong online friendships so we can all help each other reach our goals.
Thanks for sharing John. I’ll have to add Srini’s book to my list. Hey Bill, can I get CFO approval on that too?
You are right, they are exactly like offline ones. I think we can get all confused by the social media tools and this is where Srini’s book is useful.
Great point about sarcasm, I don’t do it on the first comment either
Interesting how humor is mentioned a few times here as the big challenge. I guess this is the last frontier between online and offline relationships.
Unless we all adopt Davina’s language, then we will all know when someone is funny (or not)
I knew straightaway that Davina was an aficionado of fine sarcasm… With others, I have to hold back until I know I won’t scare them away with my occasional snarkiness!
The humor is a big thing… took me a while before I let some of my flavor (jokes, quips, acronyms, sarcasm) really fly b/c I was never sure if it belonged. On some blogs it doesn’t, sometimes a blogger encourages the silly. Which goes to the relationship and getting to know them, not being per @justinthesouth:disqus a one-night or one-hit wonder.
You? Acronyms? Sarcasm? No way.
RB@Ya
All that looking for clues and seeking acceptance comes from the part of our brains that isn’t too far removed from our primate cousins. And you’re right–it totally blocks authenticity. The reason most people have such a difficult time with relationships is fear. If they are themselves and they’re rejected or discounted, that can be spirit crushing (there are actually four fatal fears…I’m sure @ginidietrich:disqus took loads of notes about them during my breakout session, so she can share them with you later
!)
When we support one another in failures and missteps as well as successes, we create relationships and communities where people are more at ease revealing their true natures. That’s when we come closer to the best of relationships.
But if we wake up every morning with critical voices in our heads reminding us of the ways we fail and are likely to screw up in our roles as a friend, a boss, an employee, a spouse…then it’s hard to liberate our best selves to bring to any relationship. We over think everything and focus on copying what success looks like in others rather than identifying, embracing and living our best true selves.
Sorry, for the long comment…it’s just that you’re singing my song, here! I could have just said, “Spot on, John!” but then that wouldn’t have been the real me, either.
Hi Mimi,
Thank you for stoping by and I am so glad to see @ginidietrich:twitter didn’t leave you in the corridor outside her room.
Fear and we tackle it says a lot about who we are as a person. You are right, it keeps us away from embracing our best true selves.
If she were anywhere near me right now, I’d do it again. But this time I’d bring her a glass of bubbles.
Hey John,
I am also enjoying Srini’s book. I love his practical advice. I also liked your comments about it being hard to be yourself. I agree with this. Martha Beck breaks this self into two parts – essential self and social self. These two selves conflict with each other. The essential self being the true you and you social self being the self that is taught how to interact and get along with the world. Rediscovering this essential self is very difficult.
Hi Fred,
Yes our ego and super-ego fighting over the same pie. It’s a tough but very necessary work. Absolutely.
G’Day John,
I may be accused of “missing the point” But I think that the first thing is to learn how to write.I love words. But it’s easy to forget that they are merely carriages for meaning. It’s bloody hard to establish meaningful relationships if you’re readers can’t understand what you’re “on about.”
The most brilliant ideas poorly expressed are doomed to remain what they started out as: brilliant ideas.
To prove how old- fashioned I am may I recite Robert Gunning’s “Ten Principles of Clear Writing.”
1. Keep sentences short
2. Prefer the simple to the complex
3. Prefer the familiar word
4. Avoid unnecessary words
5, Put action in your verbs
6. Write like you talk
7. use terms your reader can picture
8. Tie in with reader’s experience
9. Make full use of variety
10. Write to express not impress.
Theses are from the revised edition oh his “The Technique of Clear Writing” published in 1968.
I agree about the importance of establishing long-term, meaningful relationships. Following Bunning’s Principles will help a lot.
Regards
Leon
THanks for this list Leon. Sorry to hear you missed the point of my post. What part confuses you in the post?
Yay for Srini! Can’t wait to get a copy. Thank you John for bringing it to our attention and highlighting it properly. And I agree with Michele Welch, your relationship marketing is pretty awesome right now!
Hi John,
I don’t know how your relationship marketing was at the beginning, but you’ve sure perfected it now.
Thanks for the review. I will be sure to add Srinivas’ book to my list to read. Although I have not connected with him as of yet, I know of him and he’s always seemed as someone with integrity. I don’t doubt the book is a great and informative read.
All the best!
Don’t believe anything you hear. I’m just a beach bum who doesn’t do anything but surf all day.
Michele, I look forward to checking out what you’re up to online. Feel free to reach out to me anytime as I love meeting new people.
Absolutely @twitter-67692728:disqus ! Looking forward to chit-chatting with you more – we seem to have the same circle of friends.
@johnfalchetto:disqus , I think it may be the surfing and relaxing that has him write great content. Nothing like creating from a place of ease and fun – a much more powerful place, ya know?
Ciao my dear!
I couldn’t agree more. Somedays I look at my screen and I just don’t feel it so I got out, ride in the woods for a few hours and come back. It changes everything.
We can’t create content if our lives don’t have any.
Hi Michelle, you’re too kind
Perfected is a big word and I am miles away from that but it’s the support of experienced people like yourself which keeps me going.
I met Srinivas at BWENY last month and although there is always the fear that the person you know online isn’t really like that in real life, Srini surprised me. He is actually smarter and nicer IRL.
For a guy who spends most of his time surfing he really writes a lot of amazing content, and is also working on a book. No idea how he does it.
Big congrats to Srini! I’ll have to get a copy.
Thanks for this post, John. I want to start a Srinivas Rao fan club (I also need to figure out a way to pay Bill Dorman for his advice. He keeps doling it out.)
I’ve been listening to Blogcast FM for the past few months and I have learned more than I ever thought I would listening to a podcast. Srini is always asking the right questions … and I’m taking notes. For someone like me, trying to start a blog, it’s proven invaluable. My wife often catches me and when I tell her what I’m listening to she just gives me that look. If the book provides as much value as the show I gotta have it. I have to check out Nancy’s blog too. So many talented people.
Craig I’m the official president of the @skooloflife:twitter fan club. Welcome !
Srini has a rare talent of getting the best ouf of people with his questions. We all have talent in our own unique way
Okay, I’ll be VP or Treasurer
His interviews are some of the best out there.
If Bill keeps doling it out, why would you pay for it??
I feel like I’m taking advantage of Bill, BUT he is on his way to blogging stardom, so I better get it while the gettin’s good. Maybe I can just keep paying him with complements, simply singing his praises until the cows come home. In fact I need to add to that list: There’s You, John, Srini, Mark … Hey, I guess this lunkhead is already learning from you fine people.
I’d keep paying him in compliments until he figures out he’s not the invisible blogger n
Great article, as you know this is one of the many things I struggle with…how the heck do you form a relationship with people online? I am a face to face gal, but I am slowly learning that doing business online means having relationships online.
I’ll have to check out the book and get some pointers! Thanks for the shove in the right direction~
Amber, its a great book and the workbook in the end makes it really easy to get it right.
Hey John,
I think you called it correctly: “The toughest thing about relationships is being ourselves”.
When we can’t be ourselves, we face a plethora of issues…including looking to others cues and basing our own level of relationship content on that. When we do this, we sell ourselves short.
Relationship Marketing is one of the best ebooks I’ve read. It’s entertaining, engaging and really teaches us how to build a tribe. When I read it, I was in awe at the simplicity in tactics listed, but the impact of the results shared. @twitter-67692728:disqus really knows his stuff when it comes to marketing in general; but when you wrap in networking, people, and social media – he’s an expert.
What a kind gesture of you to share this with the world John!
PEACE
JK, when I believe that something really brings value to others I will do my best to support the author. I guess it’s part of building relationships online
Now I want to write about your Guide to Hustling, when are you launching?
Thanks John - I’m writing it everyday. Once it’s complete - you will be of the first to know!
Thanks in advance!
Don’t thank me yet buddy! You need to write the book.
So… I realized after leaving BlogWorld that Srini and I crossed paths several times, but I didn’t realize it was him… so I never said hello! Aargh. Next time, Srini.
I think I’m myself, whether online or offline. And that’s what develops relationships. Sure, there are bits of me you’ll see offline that you won’t online, and vice versa, but that’s just the nature of the mediums.
But you’ve met me in person. What do you think?
That’s so weird that we crossed paths and never actually met. For sure we’ll meet next time. I look forward to it.
You missed Srini at BWENY?
Well the important thing is that I got to meet you
What do I think? You’re right there things that we see online and not offline. You look much younger IRL than you do in your Avatar 
Hi John,
I have just finished reading The Thank You Economy by Gary V. And it focuses on relationship marketing as well. What I find the most interesting is a few years ago (or even less) I would never have thought that it would be possible to create strong relationships based upon online communication. I almost couldn’t believe it when Gary V. said on a conference I attended that some of his best friends are people he only talk to online (he had just met them for a few minutes offline).
I’m definitively going to take a closer look at the guide to relationship marketing. I have been listening to BlogCast FM for a while, and it’s brilliant.
Thanks a lot for sharing this.
Jens
Jens,
I loved the Thank You Economy and it has really been driving much the way I’ve been approaching things online since I read it. Thanks so much for your kind words on BlogcastFM.
Hi Srini,
Yes, The Thank You Economy was brilliant. I have so many great from reading it. But, what’s even better is BlogcastFM. I listen to it while walking to work, and it’s just perfect. I have listened to a lot of your interviews for the past weeks. It’s definitively one of the best marketing resources I have come across on the web.
John,
First off thanks so much for such a kind review the ebook. You’ve brought up some great points about relationships. I think one of the things that really is a big theme for me in building relationships is that every single person you have an opportunity to connect with brings something of value. As you saw my tweet the other day about “the cilck” factor and the article I’m writing, there are going to be certain people you don’t click with and that’s ok. That’s why I think it doesn’t make sense trying to suck up to famous people. Sure they’re famous, but if they’re not connecting with you or talking to you what’s the value of that relationship? NOTHING. These days if I look at a blog and I see that is a well known blogger but they dont’ respond to any of the comments I don’t waste my time. I’m interested in great relationships and great content.
You’re welcome Srini. It’s a great guide and I’m sure it will help many just like it helped me.
Hi John,
Thank you so very much for such a kind mention.
You really made my morning. It is people like you that I met, who have been so wonderful to me that makes online relationships what they are. I am happy to have such great people in my life.
Relationships can be the greatest source of pleasure or the absolute worst pain. Think of all the love songs out there. Life is all about relationships. Not every relationship is romantic, but we all need relationships to survive, since “no man is an island”
I have developed relationships online by being myself and showing up. I have found a core group of friends just by commenting on their blogs, and chatting with them on Twitter. I think that above all, is to just be who you are. Why be fake or phony? People find out the truth anyway. Then you really have problems. Not everyone will like you, and that is fine. Find your own voice, and start interacting. That is all I did. No over thinking required.
One night stands never worked for me. I want a real relationship.
Nancy, it is all very well deserved. No over-thinking required, now where is the stop button already?
It’s not easy but it sure makes for an interesting life. What other option do we have?
What a great post John. This has become a pet peeve of mine over the last few months. Because I’ve had a lot of people come my way looking for the one-nighter, if you will, they want something for free but don’t want the relationship, call me old fashion but I would kind like to know you a little before we take it to the next level!
I think why @samterecollier:twitter and I have done as well as we have (never to have met fast-to-face) is because early on we committed to just being ourselves, we would allow each-other to see the good, the bad and the ugly! So, Samantha knows that I’m no good until I have my coffee and I know that most weekends she will unplug to focus on her kids. I mean why hide that? We are made better because we know each-others weaknesses and because we’ve been honest about what we want were we are going and what we can each do to get there.
Love how you’re thinking about this John!
Yep the drive-by commenters, just pick up the goods and go. I guess they think if it works for burgers why not blogs?
Knowing our strengths and weaknesses is what it’s all about, you and Sam make a great team. Still can’t believe you have never met IRL
I know. Its kinda of odd. We are working hard to make it happen later this summer!
Still loving your stuff John! Please keep it up!
Thanks for your support Justin. It means a lot.
I’ll have to check out Srini’s book; the relationships and being myself I can do, having focus and a plan on what I want to do with it has been my challenge. For better or worse I haven’t needed to have the same sense of urgency as some so it has allowed me to dig deeper on the relationship side.
Nancy is good; I’ve seen her out there when she first got started. In fact (and she can correct me if I’m wrong), but I think I commented on her second post. It was pretty powerful and obviously written with a lot of emotion.
Personalities have a big influence on how people interact w/ each other and what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior. I think it’s natural, at least to me is to try to judge the personalities and act accordingly. I’m still me but more in tune with my surroundings if that makes sense.
Good to see you today John and hope all is well.
Hey Bill,
If you do pick up a copy of the book, feel free to email me with any questions you have. More than likely I’m going to put together a group call for all the customers who bought the book so I can answer your questions that you have.
Hey Srini, I plan on getting it; I just have to make it a business expense and get it by the CFO (wife) of the Dorman household. I look forward to reading it.
Bill it’s great to see we have entrusted the CFO responsibilities to the same person
Hi Mr Dorman,
When it comes to building relationships online I think you should write your own book
For only $99.95 US you too can have an autographed copy of building relationships and world supremacy by Bill E Dorman……………:)
The cheque is in the mail. Seriously, you have a unique way of doing this, you should write about it.
Thanks for the compliment.
I think it takes time too Bill. Just read Lori’s post today on shyness, or what’s perceived as shyness when really, we’re just taking time to consider and get to know the other person. We get to know more about them, then act or comment as ourselves yet respectful of our environment… think it’s human nature.
{ 3 trackbacks }