Are you a jerk? Good you might become successful.
Recently I had a discussion about jerks in the business world.
There are many very talented people who give out a persona online. They become successful and we judge their success instead of their personality.
As a business coach I have met quite a few very successful sportsmen, business owners and artists.
Invariably I would say some of them are jerks. They know it.
These are the reasons I believe being a jerk can help you become successful.
1. They act without caring what others think
A jerk is simply someone who has very little empathy for what others think or feel.
We are deeply wired and conditioned to pay attention to others, listen and seek the approval from our communities.
Since the days we were sitting in a cave around a fire with our tribe to our modern online tribes, our search for acceptance is one of our essential needs.
This needs feeds the status-quo and kills entrepreneurship.
To be successful you need to leave the tribe, your support network and your family to create something new.
As business owners we are well aware of the tensions created by leaving our homeland.
When a business owner leaves the pack to start his or her journey, they are easy to point out, just follow the moaning and whining from their peers.
2.They learn to filter
As your success grows you simply don’t have time to be as approchable to everyone.
Unfortunately you have to filter who will help you make the best use of your time.
Those you turn down will call you a jerk.
With email and social media tools, the access vs. time issue has been multiplied. Even if you give your time away for nothing there will be always be ‘one more quick question’.
I strongly believe in charity and giving back, but when someone is making a profit out of your free-time and advice, who is the jerk?
3. They have extreme focus
Anyone who achieves a goal will tell you that focus is essential.
Focusing means that you give one objective all your attention, time and energy.
You are willing to do whatever it takes to reach it. You have zero tolerance for anything which will stop you from reaching your goal.
The result brought by focus is awesome but it also brings some serious collateral damage.
- The best professional athlete I know has a broken marriage and children who grow-up without him
- The richest man I ever met lives with the simple rule of not lending money to anyone and refuses to give to charity
- The most successful business man I interviewed treats everyone that can’t help him as expendable
4.They have extreme confidence
Part of being a jerk is the ‘I’m always right attitude’.
Nobody is always right but few of us are willing to commit to an idea until it fails.
The jerks are willing to crash and burn for their idea when the rest of us will just avoid committing.
The same cockiness will also allow them to get back up faster and try something else. Failure doesn’t phase them “they are always right”.
5. They trade-off now for the future
Successful ‘jerks’ know how to keep their vision and dream in mind when they trade-off a current relationship, or a current client for the much bigger picture.
They invest every ounce of their life, finances, and convince others to do the same. Many will label them a cheapskate, a workaholic, or a jerk along the way.
For them it’s worth the trade-off.
Your assignment for today is simple:
- How much are you willing to trade?
- Are you comfortable letting some people think you are a jerk?
- Do you want everyone to love you, or are you willing to be a jerk?
photo credit: AZRainman
Hi I'm a coach who believes life is an adventure, and entrepreneurs need to cultivate an adventure mindset to succeed.
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
I am very interested in your perspective on this. I have felt some of the same things in listening to e four hour work week. I usually imagine a boss I’ve had or coworkers who are either the impossible to reach or the way over driven and expect me to be the same or they will get on me types who are both just jerks. But on the othe hand, I think that Tim F. Has some incredible points that have simply helped free my mind from certain limitations brought on by what is apparently normal living and caused me to get exited and dream bigger which are both huge pluses.
Quick question. In your blog, you mentioned positives and negatives under each category and then asked at the bottom if we want people to love us or if we are willing to be a jerk, but it was hard for me to tell which you would suggest or if there is perhaps a third, middle ground, option. Any thoughts?
If we are looking for everyone to love and approve of what we do, we will never be successful.
In order to be successful we have to be someone’s jerk. This is why TF and others are successful, they go after what they want and don’t really care about pleasing everyone. They are willing to be branded as ‘jerks’ by some, yet they are also adored by fans at the same time.
That’s my point, the middle ground is where dreams die and losers live.
That is a great photo! Is it photoshopped or did he pose for that?
I know a jerk who just cashed out to the tune of millions and millions of dollars. The fury of the injustice (my paradigm being good people win) that has unleashed in me has caused me to focus like I haven’t done in years.
I agree with everything you say here. Especially that you will be *perceived* as a jerk by others who no longer benefit from your relationship. Being seen as one is part of the cost of success.
Your first point speaks to the successful sociopaths in society (grrr
) and how necessary it is for empathic people to get a little hard-nosed if they want to fulfill their potential.
John,
First off, that picture of Trump…had me rolling. What an awesome find.
Of course I do believe it is better to -not- be a jerk. But as you pointed out the jerks among us have some good qualities.
After all, few people are villains in their own story, right.
I would say that 2-5 are things that I am constantly trying to improve.
1. Is something that I probably DON”T do enough of.
The key is that many jerks are not “bad” people they are honest. While rudeness and nastiness are uncalled for and the hallmarks of a “real” jerk. Many people may simply get the label because they are task oriented, do not want to put up with BS, think their time and success is important and care about efficiency and doing things “right”. If those are the hallmarks of being a jerk… where do I sign up.
Hi Steve,
When I saw this pic, I said bingo! I often struggle to find a good one but this was one was a perfect fit
You are right, we are always a ‘jerk’ to someone and being focused doesn’t mean we have to be rude and anti-social.
I do believe making decisions in life entails not including some people and some things. Those left out will feel we are ‘jerk’s for not spending the time but what is the other solution?
Define ‘Successful’ I guess is the key to this question…. though there are examples of ‘jerks and non jerks’ right across the social spectrum.. There are plenty of not so successful jerks….
Here it looks like success will be defined as someone who has delivered in business – by generating a mountain of cash for self and company…
However for some – this is not the drive in life. And for many – not being a jerk is success in itself…
Just found your blog John and am now embarking on a life as an expat – so think I will ‘watch your space’…
You are absolutely right not everyone is looking for success in business.
I work with expat business owners and expat employees so my approach is geared towards me.inc
Success is different for everyone but in order to be successful at whatever goal we choose to set, we need to make decisions, and this involves saying No to somethings and some people.
These people will call you a jerk or any other ‘nice things’ they might think of.
Yes being a jerk is not a pre-condition for success, otherwise there would be a lot more of successful people around
This is a tough one that I battle with constantly, John. I get taken advantage of A LOT, by employees, vendors, and clients because I’m too nice. I know this about myself, but it’s really hard for me to behave in a way that isn’t characteristic.
My mom always says I need to hire a bad guy (her definition of your jerk) to be the one everyone hates, but can get the job done…so I can continue being myself without being taken advantage of.
Hi Gini
It’s a tough one. I remember the first time I let someone go (he had drinking problems).
I guess the challenge with hiring a jerk is that we will not always agree with their decisions and this will lead to internal conflicts.
The good cop, bad cop routine only works if both team members are on the same wavelength.
I hear you about being taken advantage of, things changed for me when I looked at my values and decided which ones should be on top.
I will admit I have tried to please everyone in days gone by and it doesn’t work (newsflash, right?), even worse, it is soul destroying and builds resentment. My guess is that, as another commenter has said, to be successful we have to be a jerk (or appear to be like one) to some people and just accept that this will happen. Ugh!
Michelle
The good side is that we get to be heros to others
Jerk…. Jerk.. Jerk… Oh my! I’m a Jerk (based on the first 3 points. I haven’t seen the last 2. Guess it’s in its manifestation stage) and a nerd
. Are nerds same as jerks?
Sounds cool, but I’m not going to trade my love for anything though. What’s your opinion on this?
I think we can’t and shouldn’t try to please everyone. At the same time we should also be clear and I mean cristal clear about our priorities and our values.
Who are we looking to help?
The word “Jerk” is totally relative. I may be a jerk to someone while not to others. It lies in the perspective of the person.
If they’re not happy with me for some reason, they might call me a jerk. Not everyone can be pleased.
In fact I personally know so many so-called jerks who have awesome qualities to learn from.
Hi Jane
ABSOLUTELY! We are all a jerk to some and not others
That’s the thing, we can learn from jerks and it doesn’t mean they will become our best buddies.
Ah John, I wouldn’t associate you with being a jerk at all, and I’m sure you would say the same for me, but then we can’t speak for everyone else
At times I can act like a jerk, especially when my heart is set on something, but I honestly believe ‘jerk’ is a label, something which changes in time. Similar to Marcus’ recent post, we all have labels attached to us at any one point, and we usually have more than one label at the same time.
But what ultimately matters is that we realise these labels are temporary – they WILL change, even if it takes years. Embrace change, and life becomes a little smoother
Hi Stuart,
As soon as we make a decision, we cut options, and people out.
That’s why decision making isn’t easy, it involves cutting people out somewhere down the line.
These people will call you a jerk but unless you are a politician, nobody is in the business of pleasing everyone
Do you see a way to have or develop those qualities without being labelled as a jerk?
For example, when you say no to someone, you can say it nicely and explain why you can’t, or you can plainly not respond. The effect will be different.
What do you think?
We should always be polite and nice to people, but I don’t think the label jerk comes because of abusive language or rudeness.
I think people can also use other words than jerk, inconsiderate, anti-social, not helpful, etc.. Because you choose to spend time with some and not others.
In the end I really don’t believe we can please everyone.
Hey John,
Interesting article.
I do believe though it is better not be a jerk than to be one.
You can still be highly focused, you can still trade the now for the later, you can still have confidence but you will get more help and support.
I think being the focused, hard working, kinder person is the better way to go.
Hi Daniel,
Doesn’t sound like an easy path you propose here
I think when we make a decision for anything in our lives we automatically decide to cut some stuff out.
Of course you are right there are levels to how much we cut out.
Time management and learning to say No! is a big one for me.
I was wondering how you approach it?
Hey John,
I agree that everything we do means there is something else we don’t do.
Though I don’t think it has to be a difficult path. I work 10 hours/day, I know exactly what I want, I’ll gladly go the extra mile but I don’t run over my employees, I respect them, listen to them, help them and I am open with them about changes and new things that will happen.
You know how interested I am in Time Management
Saying “No” is extremely important, because every time you say yes, you automatically say no to something else. You therefore need to be very firm with what you say no to.
I know you love time management this is why I think being a jerk is important in that field.
When we say No to someone we become a jerk to that person but we also save time to be a hero for someone else.
True point, true point.
The difference though is how we say no.
If we explain why, or just do it nicely most people will accept you for it, especially if you are the guy/gal who wants to help and make things better.
The jerk on the other hand just says no.
I believe the point John was mking is that “jerk” is a title others will still hang on you, regardless of your best intentions or kid gloves. We cannot avoid the perception of being a “jerk”, even if we kiss them on the brow and say “don’t pout, my sweet little kitten”.
Being a jerk for perfoming my duties with excellence is somthing I will never be ashamed or reluctant about. It just means I did a better job at something else and carried out an option I believd in.
Jerk is relative.
I understand what you mean Mark and I agree that some might find you a jerk just because they are jealous of your success.
That doesn’t go for most people though.
I think that if you handle yourself well, respect others, help when you can and go around doing a great job you will earn friends, respect and success.
I would have to agree with Daniel. You can be a jerk without being a “jerk”. It is in the way you say NO.
I know the personalities and single focused thinking that provides for these people to be successful, regardless of collateral damage. I deal with them quite frequently because they are the business owners, right?
However, I’m not willing to trade who I am or try to be something I’m not. I am the anti-jerk and would be surprised if that is how people described me. Yes, it is important to me that people like me.
Could I be ‘more’ successful; I suppose so, but at what cost? I’m successful enough for me and my family and we don’t want for much; and I haven’t had to be a jerk to do it.
If I have to be a jerk to drive a Benz instead of VW, or have a bigger boat, or a beach house, I’ll probably pass. I mean how much success do you need; are you always chasing?
Kind of like social, huh? How do you measure success?
Great question Bill, how do you measure success?
I think for the likes of Gates, Jobs, Trump, success means millions in the bank and being a leader in their field.
This takes some serious sacrifice, none of which we are willing to make.
Everyone decides on how successful they want to be and this is the great thing about it.
Are business owners jerks? Sure they have to be, they have to make decisions and cut clients and employees that don’t help with their goal.
I also think employees can be jerks and navigate their career like a business.
I know so many people who put their career before everything else in their life.
Great to read you Bill and bring your down to earth, no BS approach to success and what it means to you.
My first response was going to be “no I am not” but when I read the whole post I can say ” I am happy I am on the way to become one” LOL
Love this one, John, really makes jerks look great
Well like everything you might be a jerk to some but you are still a hero to me
These 5 principles of jerkiness work well across the board of human pursuit.
I personally found it was impossible to achieve my fitness goals until I’d learned how to be a jerk (in certain specific ways!) to my family and friends when there was a question of eating foods I didn’t think were a good idea or taking time away from my exercise regime.
Not caving to social pressure to eat a cupcake on someone’s birthday is pretty easy when you don’t care what people think. Making time for exercise is easy when you realize that people can and will learn to cope with not having you around for 30 minutes.
Hi Naomi,
This is a perfect example of how the community and social pressures can destroy your goal (in this case fitness).
I remember when I was working in a corporate job and stopped going out with the guys for drinks but going to the gym instead, I did get called a few names and lost some ‘friends’.
is pretty easy when you don’t care what people think
That’s exactly it and the hardest part isnt’?
Thanks John! I love this, and it is absolutely true. I truly am a jerk, and I have been very successful for the same reasons you list here. I have made a good balance between the collateral damages and the focus, but I am definitely a jerk. I have even had a good handful of death threats and stalkers for it, but if I let them get in my way, what do I have then? Failure and stalkers?
Mark you realize I had you in mind when I wrote this ?
Seriously, death threats and stalkers?
You haven’t really achieved anything until you have those right?
It is true that there will always be people to hate you when you achieve the things they are unwilling to reach for. Even when people are able, they will find frustration in their own unwillingness to make similar sacrifices.
We each create our own balance between what we are willing to give up, and how how badly we want to achieve a given goal. I am simply willing to endure more pain than many people. Some of those pains are described here.
I have been called a “bully” for making big demands from suppliers and cornering markets. I have been called an “ass” for creating a filter to avoid negative influences. I have been a horrible “jerk” for being confident in my decisions. I have even been mean to myself by sacrificing today for long-term objectives. As long as the suppliers are still getting rich off my sweat, the negative people are still at bay, I still believe in myself, and my future is brighter than my past, I am satisfied with that.
There are always points of reckoning and making amends for the moments lost, but I have always been willing to give 5 today for 100 tomorrow. It is a curse and a blessing, and requires constant adjustments. What is most important to recognize is that there is always a choice.
I really can relate to a lot of this, John.
Glad you enjoyed this post Mark. I admire your candor here.
Paying the price now to cash in later is never easy.
Great to see you here and what you just shared is simple awesome.
Thank you, John.
I guess I should add that I also find myself being very self-conscious of being a “jerk”. Nobody of reasonable self-worth really wants people to resent them. I learned it hard when I had things others did not, and how I was flipped off for no reason when I would drive down the street in a car that cost more than an average house. They never saw how urgent it was for me to make it to the charity fundraiser on time, and with an open checkbook. People will always resent success … but it is very infrequently for the right reasons. It is easy to “hate” somebody outwardly, when the real solutions are found by looking inward.
I have always made myself extremely approachable to anybody and everybody … at least until they prove I shouldn’t. I have always restrained myself from business tactics which I would dislike from others … sometimes even when it has a heavy cost. I have been very cautious in my efforts to raise a fantastic family and not punish them for things intended to benefit them.
I truly believe that finding a balance is of utmost importance. In my case, I make my best efforts to focus the sacrifices upon myself when it is feasible. That is never fully comfortable, but when it changes your future and creates the life you hope for, isn’t it worth it? Shouldn’t it be?
Therein lies the big dilemma for most … the balance of sacrifice. To me, if it means some people will resent me along the way. I make my best efforts to recognize when it is resentment with a reason, versus resentment forged in jealousy.
Most of the resentment is forged in jealousy. If I saw that it was not, I would be ashamed to admit that I am a jerk by these standards.
If you would flip through it and at least read a few pages, I will gladly send you a book I wrote titled “Living in the Storm”. Just email me where to send it. I think it speaks well to the issues you address here. When I say that I really relate to this piece, I am not exaggerating.
There is much we can learn from the jerks. I like this idea of re-framing one concept in terms of another. The power of metaphor.
You came *this* close to another of my 500 word comments, today, John. Instead, I’ve scheduled it for next Tuesday.
Hi Brian
I think somedays we are always someone’s jerk and someone’s hero
Can’t win them all!
John! I’ve discovered my problem… I not a jerk! Darn it!
Thanks for the awesome post. In reading your list, I think I’d rather pick and choose from each one than go cold jerk on everything!
BALANCE – where is that in life? I grew up being told I could have it all and do it all – LIES, LIES, LIES!!! No one can have it all and do it all… something gives. When it comes right down to it we have to choose. Sometimes, what I want the most I can’t have at that particular time… and what I want least I have!
Once again, awesome post… I pulled several great things from it.
go cold jerk on everything This made laugh, you are so right, that would be a shock to those around you
Yes absolutely in order to gain something we need to give something up. It’s simple math but I think we forget it sometimes.
Thanks for stopping by Beth, have an amazing weekend
This is interesting: jerkiness is an evolutionary imperative. These behaviours succeed, because they benefit the person who exhibits them.
The limit is the social factor: they disadvantage the jerk’s social milieu.
THere is a PhD thesis in there somewhere!
A PhD thesis ouch!
But you are right Scott the social factor is more often than not the limiting factor.
A good reason why expats do well is because the social factor has been removed.
I love the twist here–taking the reality about why so many successful people are jerks, and learning from their strengths without becoming a jerk yourself!
That’s the tough part Michelle, I am not even sure it’s possible or desirable.
What do you think? Should we try to please everyone?
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