I am afraid but I manage my fear. After years of running my own business helping others start or grow, I am often petrified.
Last week my site wasn’t working, this scared me. As a coach I help people perform when they are overseas.
90% of this work deals with fear and facing the biggest fear of all, the fear that we will succeed.
Fear in business
Yesterday I had a conversation with a client about fear, let’s call him Steve.
Without going into the details, Steve feels that if he embraces who he truly is, he would end up alone. His business has been growing steadily over the past years but he doesn’t feel he is expressing his unique and authentic self.
He fears that by discovering he is more than what he thinks he is, his world as he knows it will collapse. It will.
There is a point of no return out there, once we open that door, there is no going back. He decided to go ahead and open the door.
In the new three months, he will be launching a new range of products which suit his ideals. They are more eco-friendly and help new small vendors get sales from him.
Steve doesn’t care about failure, or the investment he put into developing this new product.
The fear which really haunts him is what if the launch works and sales take off?
The way he sees himself, the perception of his peers, family and friends will be changed for ever.
To reach this point we worked through four simple steps.
Working with fear
Exposing clients to a primal fear, heights, was one of the basis of my past outdoor coaching program. Since this was a challenge by choice, most of the time we deal with that fear and others, sitting on the ground, far away from any heights. The method was the same.
Goal setting
Set a goal you want to achieve beyond this fear. Launching a new product in this case became the goal. Sometimes it can be something very simple like writing one page on a proposal or walking for 30min.
Concentrating on specific goals brings structure to the chaos fear generates. This keeps the ‘lizard brain’ in check.
Mental Rehearsal
Often described as visualization, or running through the activity in your mind.
Steve rehearsed how he would announced the new product to his employees, his business partners and his spouse. Steve didn’t just write a script, he thought about their potential reactions to the announcement.
Rehearsing these stressful situations allows the ‘lizard brain’ to calm down when it actually faces the real situation. The stressful reaction is massively reduced this way.
Self-Talk
There is a lot of Wo-Ha about self talk and affirmations in coaching. Self-talk and visualization techniques work and have been proven without a doubt.
Cons like the Law of Attraction don’t interest me.
We speak to ourselves at an average rate of 500 words per minute. If these words are positive, isn’t of “I can’t, I’m too dumb for this, or I will never make it’, they will control the fear reaction coming from the Lizard Brain.
Thoughts are just that, thoughts. Some will say you should replace negative ones with positive ones. I don’t believe we can replace thoughts.
Negative thoughts will come up, it’s up to you not to focus on them. Let them slip away and focus on your Goal.
Breathing control
I was first introduced to deliberate, slow, controlled breathing in my teens to overcome severe asthma induced by running.
Fear strives on shallow breathing. Long exhales relaxes the body and quiets the brain by giving it more oxygen.
What really works is combining the four techniques together.
Just trying to control your breathing when you are freaking out isn’t going to do much.
Fear is something we all carry within us. It makes us who we are.
Hi I'm a coach who believes life is an adventure, and entrepreneurs need to cultivate an adventure mindset to succeed.
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Hey John,
I could so relate to the post. When I was doing my internship two years back, I was scared that every client I meet will go away unhappy or not cured because I simply won’t be able to help them out. I did try the self talk thing and it helped me loads. Positive imagery and self talk helped me specifically!
Also, having smaller goals which move toward a bigger goal also gives a lot of confidence in overcoming the fear and also instilling a better sense of self esteem!
@Hajra Hi Hajra,
You have all the right techniques right there, and you point out the big elephant in the room: our self esteem matters a lot when we deal with fear
Hi, John.
I don’t run a business, but I understand what you mean about fear. Right now, I fear that what I am doing for our company blog may not be the right thing. I fear that I may not be able to tolerate the rigors of pregnancy because of my hypertension.
So, what I am doing now is learning some more from guys like you, Bill Dorman, Danny Brown, Brankica and many others on what I can to make things better. I am also looking into blogs run by 3D artists, so I can see what they are also doing.
For my pregnancy, I just have to face my fear and follow what my obstetrician and neurologist tell me. I just have to be positive about the whole thing and as you advised, practice breathing control.
Thanks for sharing Steve’s story, John, and for this post about facing fears. I needed it.
@KimDavies Hi Kim
Awesome to read you here today. I read blogs that interest me, they don’t necessarily belong to life coaches, I enjoy reading Marcus Sheridan, Bill and Gini. None of them are life coaches but they all discuss topics which I find interesting.
Good luck with your pregnancy, I have a one year old daughter and I know it’s not easy for the mom but it’s worth the discomfort
@John Falchetto Thank you, John.
I don’t know who this guy is, but GOOD FOR HIM. Work-life-PARALLEL FTW!
Once upon a time, I read Hopkins’s book, How to Master the Art of Selling. For all the clever ideas and information shared in that book, the one thing that’s consistently stuck out in my mind more than anything else is this simple phrase.
Do what you fear most and you control fear.
And fear of success? Tell me about it. I’ve been running this online magazine for two years next month. To date, we’ve not made a single sale. I’ve gotten as far as purchasing about 150 custom, vinyl decals, with aims of reinvesting the proceeds of the same of same into more diverse merchandise and platform improvements. I developed what I think is a damn innovative partnership program and taken on that first, official partner. But I’ve given it all away. Partly because I love how people who care enough about what we’re doing get all excited to receive the decals and show their support, partly because I don’t know that our side of the partnership equation yet delivers sufficient value to charge a price commensurate with such a unique approach to advertising.
But mostly because I’m afraid these initiatives will be more successful than I’m ready, willing, and able to adequately support. I fall back on my crutch – Better to do one thing better than anyone else than to do many things only average.
I’ve got the time. I’ve got the tools. I generally set SMART goals. I visualize the win and work backwards to the present. I tell myself daily that what I’m doing matters, that it’s important. I believe it to be my life’s work. And, almost hourly, I pause, close my eyes, and focus on just breathing.
Still, do what you fear most.
Well, there goes MY 4HWW.
I don’t know this guy, “Steve,” but kudos to him for pulling the trigger on this and taking action. Chance favors the prepared mind. As Thoreau said, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined.”
@Brian Driggs Hi Brian,
Steve is great small business owner in Dubai.
I would have though car parts and car accessories manufacturers would be interested in renting some real estate on your magazine?
Indeed they would, but we don’t do advertising. If a reputable vendor would like to address our audience, we would be happy to help them grow their business, so long as they are willing to grow our readers’ knowledge and understanding in the process. If they can’t see the potential in that, there are plenty of webmasters happy to charge them by the impression for ads automatically blocked via browser plugin.
Anyone can get a wholesale account, open a webstore, and play middleman. We’re looking for people who care as much about their customers as we do our brothers and sisters at-arms, and are willing to build relationships more meaningful than thoughtless, cookie-cutter advertising. We take conventional marketing vehicles and repurpose them to benefit the customer first.
Things are looking up.
@Brian Driggs Did you speak to PR agencies for these vendors, they are always looking to provide information pieces about products?
The good ones will do it with being salesy also
@John Falchetto That’s not a bad idea, John. In fact, you’re not too far from what we’ve currently got underway. When my Canadian partner first threw it out there, I nearly dropped my Blackberry, the idea was so good. Truly, a million dollar (well, $1.5MM/yr) idea.
Thus, action. Domain is purchased, idea is coming together, we need to start prepping the site for a foundation. Lots to do.
Hi John,
Agree on the self-talk (and not the Stuart Smalley kind). The Law of Attraction is so very Four Hour Work Week
But, as you say, it’s just a bit of positivity. Each day you have the power to change your outlook from negative to positive.
My biggest way of combating fear is Embracing Discomfort. Getting out of your comfort zone. We get a bit too cozy gliding through our days with minimal effort, but the problem is this complacency puts us in a rut. If you want to do something but it gives you that shaking feeling, do yourself a favor and experience the unease and see it through. It’s hard, but man does it feel good afterward
@Craig McBreen Hi Craig,
I never made the analogy between LOA and 4HWW but I guess I put them in the same BS baffles brains category.
Embracing discomfort is a great way to look at it. The hard way is almost always the best way to go
@John Falchetto Hi John, Yeah, basically that’s what I meant: BS! But, BS baffles brains works even better
Hey John,More great advice
You mentioned “cons like the law of attraction”. I think it’s pretty much a rip off of previous work, such as Napoleon Hill’s Laws of Success and Think and Grow Rich. Affirmations and visualization are very powerful indeed.I also like Tony Robbins’ morning and evening questions. They reset my fear and optimize my state of mind. I usually answer the morning questions in writing and put it on my Mastermind Group’s website. It has a big impact for me to do it daily. Good stuff!Thanks for the article.
@Matttanguay Hey Matt,
Yes the Law of Attraction, and its little brother The Secret is a con. Just thinking about stuff won’t make it happen unless you take massive action to make it happen.
You are right they haven’t created anything new and just paraphrased Hill’s books.
What is your mastermind group site url?
@Matttanguay Tabernouche, thanks for the link, I have been looking to setup something very similar for my clients.
@John Falchetto Looks like you speak French? At least some (polite) swear words
Let me know if you have any questions. It’s pretty straightforward though… it’s a hosted Wordpress site, a few pages and a few categories.
@Matttanguay I’m Canadian and lived a long time in Montreal
Expect and email from me.
Thanks John. Love this. Keeping the lizard brain in check, is crucial. I still like the idea of replacing a negative thought with a positive one. It works for me.
Al
@Al Smith I find it hard to ‘replace’ negative thoughts, they do come but I work hard not to focus on them.
Thanks for CARING Al
Hi John,
The breathing advice is superb. I notice that many people (myself included) unknowingly hold our breath under pressure or stress. Ironically, it increases the physical feeling of pressure. Tony Robbins shared a great breathing method designed to clear the mind and energize the body that consisted of breathing in for one count, holding it for four counts, and exhaling for two. I find it really helpful.
@MARLdblE Hi Marlee,
Breathing really matters to me, as someone who spent a lot and I mean A LOT of time out of breath and wheezing, air is everything. Tony Robbins knows some yoga! Basically become aware of our breathing is important, you are doing a beautiful job at recognizing how you breathing stops when you are stressed out.
Great to share this Marlee, most of the time we get too involved and forget to be present.
Very good read John, I’m impressed with the in-depth knowledge displayed here. And I agree with what you say, the fear of success can often old us back just as much as the fear of failure, if not more so.
Ever since I’ve started my unemployment, I’ve had a fear that I’d be too bored – that I’ll have nothing to do. This is unfounded, because I have plenty to do, but it’s rather a case of two things. Procrastination (as Adam said), and a fear of what will actually happen once I start working hard and well (as your client said).
I hope that using these techniques, particularly visualisation, will work towards moving past these fears.
P.S. Again, sorry for not being able to meet up with you next month. I hope we can meet up soon
@Stuart Mills Stuart,
We will meet one day, I’m sure. In due time.
I assume you mean since you started working for yourself instead of someone else?
Got it in one
John, when I have a fear, I typically procrastinate, hoping the fear will go away, actually rather the issue that is causing the fear. I find that I best overcome the fear when I address it straight on.
It’s funny that no matter how many times I address a fear straight on and smile from the results, I will still to this day procrastinate others.
Terrific post. Thanks John!
@adamsok Adam, that’s the usual reaction of the ‘lizard brain’, we avoid rocking the boat and stick our head in the sand. The issue doesn’t go away but we don’t see it as well
We all listen to our little lizard who shuns being uncomfortable, and pushed out there in the spot lights, this is called procrastination.
Having a clear idea of the result we want, a strong purpose for getting there and a plan will keep that lizard in check.
Hey John, Awesome article. These are excellent tips for those that are facing fear. Breathing is more helpful than people realize, as is self-talk. I have become the type of person that when I discover I have a fear standing in the way of something I want or need to do, I face it. I completely don’t want to allow anything within myself to hold me back as there are enough obstacles in the world as it is. Years ago, I allowed much to pass me by because of fear and you know what…the worst of the worst has happened. Those experiences have taught me many impressive lessons! What has helped me beside the tips you offered above? Love and trust are two powerful gifts that have benefited me dramatically when facing and/or diminishing fear. Loving myself and others enough to know that we are all worth an amazing life full of endless possibilities and trusting myself to know that I will be okay in any given moment.
@Joanne Cipressi Hi Joanne,
Love and trust are without doubt the fire extinguishers of fear. Thanks for pointing out these two massive omissions from the post.
Loving ourselves enough to love others will produce some incredible results when it comes to fear.
Hi John,
Dealing with fear is a constant issue for me. I have been getting more exposure for my blog which is great. I need to find better paying work. I need to really ease up on the fear. I am a great writer. My old bosses had me really doubting myself.
I sent them a few posts and they rejected them all. I sent something to Robert Dempsey yesterday and he loved it and did not change a thing. It just shows me that my fear is unfounded.
But the financial fear is very real – no getting around that!
Sometimes I can even harness fear and make it work to my advantage. I am doing all I can to stay upbeat through hard times. What else can I really do?
@NancyD68 You are a great writer Nancy, nobody can take this away from you. Let them say what they want, it doesn’t change the fact that you can write.
We all have a financial fear, I don’t know anyone who can say ‘hey I’m set for life’. I know there are people out there like that but most of us fear for the future.
It’s great though, it keeps us hungry and looking for new opportunities.
Right now, most of my fears are focused on money (or my lack of it!). I do a lot of goal-setting and self-talk, using my white board to map out goals and remind myself that I’m actually doing better than I sometimes think I am. I need to do more visualization, as well as work on my breathing. I tend to forget about breathing control until I’m really stressed.
I just wrote all 4 techniques on my white board–I’ll let you know how it goes!
@marianne.worley Visualization is a great tool because it allows you to paint a full picture of where you want to be.
Many clients will say ‘more money’ but this isn’t a goal. The goal is something you can describe with real accuracy, the more clear we are about what we want , the easier it is for us to achieve it.
So the end result matters, what do you want with real clarity?
Then you need a huge purpose, a big why, to get you past the obstacles which will show up in front of you on the way to your goal.
Finally, a plan, this isn’t THE plan, but a plan which you can adjust as you hit walls.
Of course, don’t forget to breath deeply, it keeps us all happy
Hey John,
Fear has been a challenge for me…but one I’m getting better and better at managing. When I feel the fear of something I like to understand what it is that I fear. Then I think about what my goals are and who they are for. That gives me the power to push through fear. I don’t try to act like I don’t feel it…or I don’t try to act like it doesn’t affect me; I use it as a reminder to keep at mind why I do what I do and who I do it for.
Great post John!
@Jk Allen I look at fear and observe it like I would a movie on TV. I also watch how my decisions and behavior changes when I feel this fear.
We all feel it and there is nothing we can do it about it. We can however change the way the act when are fearful.
You approach is awesome JK, love how you acknowledge fear and keep focused on the goal.
Hi John,
Great article. I have been thinking a lot about fear lately, usually it’s all related to what if I fail.. But lately it’s also been about, what if I will experience major success. What then?
I cope with fear in two ways. First, I go through every detail in my head, second, I go for long walks every single day. When I’m out walking in the forest, all alone, I’m so calm and ready for anything. It’s the best way to stay sane in this world
Have a wonderful day my friend.
Jens
@jens So you have a mental rehearsal and and obviously use controlled breathing by walking in the forest, this forces you to be more aware of your breathing.
I would bet you do a lot of self talk and goal setting when you are walking in the forest.
I always ask myself if I could live with the alternative of life without facing my fear. I had a fear of speaking on videao. The llusion presented on my Gravatar would be broken, and that made me really nervous about being accepted. But I asked myself if I always wanted to be stuck in a little box, just one-dimensional? No, I didn’t. Then I knew there was a reason to try it out even if it was just to overcome that fear. You’re right. There’s no turning back. That’s a consequence I have to live with. But I don’t like my fears to rule me…
@BetsyKCross I think fear rules all of us.
I’m always worried of people who say they have no fear, it’s usually a sign of a serious mental illness.
Fear keeps us alive and stops us from doing stupid stuff that would get us hurt or worse.
But fear also freaks us out when it comes to making important decision. The fight or flight logic of fear isn’t the best logic when it comes to our modern world.
How did you get past your fear of speaking on video?
@John Falchetto I learned while dancing, waiting in the wings, that you never get comfortable being vulnerable, putting yourself out there. So, I didn’t get over the fear. Instead I say to myself, “You may as well screw up by being yourself and speaking from your heart than trying to win approval being articulate and polished, etc.” I try to work with the adrenalin rush by noticing it and going on automatic until the real me shows up!
@BetsyKCross Love this, you ride the wave and get past the initial adrenaline rush until you open the door to the real you
Simply awesome Besty.
Pain, nerves, hurt, fear.. they’re all part of living and can be used to drive us forward. There the old “if something scares us, must mean it’s worth doing” chestnut right? Think these apply to anyone living anywhere. I’m not afraid success will change me, if anything I think I’m afraid it’ll be a fluke, that I’ll hit some plateau of success and never move forward.. by product of our ‘what have you done lately?’ culture. Not saying we should rest on our laurels, glory days… just that I get this, which is probably a way to cope. FWIW.
@3HatsComm Success is an impostor, it makes us believe we have reached ‘something’ when in fact we are just getting started on the right track.
Fear of failure isn’t our deepest fear though. We know failure, we have all experienced it and lived through it.
Fear of success is much more dangerous fear. Fearing that we are more than we think, now that’s really scary because it means looking at ourselves in a completly different light.
@John Falchetto Just getting started, and I think of the one-hit wonders, a few actors that make me think ‘time to give back the Oscar.’ What if Apple had stopped after the Newton fail, what if they capitulated to market share and went more the way of MS?
I also think the stage – much more public today then in years past – makes a difference since it’s that much harder to hide our fails, and while mysteriously our successes fade, the screw ups live forever online. For wine I will.
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