We are all a bunch of pathological liars.
I am not talking about the little white lies we tell our boss when we are late to work.
Think about the huge lies you tell yourself.
On an average day we say around 300 to 900 words to ourselves. You know this little voice which allows us to make sense of the crazy world we live in.
These are some of the lies we tell and trick ourselves into believing, by rationalizing.
‘I can easily succeed by only working 4 hours a week.’
‘I am not smart enough, I will never get it done.’
Do you know which one I am most guilty of telling myself?
‘I simply don’t have the time to do this’.
One big fat lie after another.
Over the next few weeks I will be asking people to take a deep look at which new habit they would like to start.
Before we start it would be helpful if we were honest with ourselves.
Truth about relationships
One of my clients just got diagnosed with a serious disease, mostly attributed to poor sleeping habits and stress.
Over the past few months he has been lying to himself about an employee.
He thought that person would eventually turn around and start working, they didn’t and he finally had to let him go.
Beyond the loss of revenue and having to find a replacement, his health is now paying a very heavy price.
How many times do we tell ourselves, ‘it will get better’?
Well let’s face it if it’s not working and we don’t do anything about it, a situation simply will not get better by itself.
Look at your clients? Ameena is right, toxic clients should be fired, they only stop us from working with our ideal clients.
The importance of being honest
Stop lying to yourself that tomorrow will be different. It will be exactly like today unless you do something about it.
To take action you need start by being honest with yourself.
There is a lot of noise about personal branding online these days.
Everyone seems to be competing with their skills, their experience, or how many comments they get on their blog.
Any personal branding should start with a serious and honest look at our achievements and which values transpire from these achievements.
Our real achievements come from believing in our values.
As an Expat, these values are irrelevant to our location. New skills can be learned, new languages can be acquired but who we are deep down is our values.
These shouldn’t change according to geography.
Accepting help
Being honest also means looking at areas were we could improve and accept help.
When I found myself in trouble with the marketing of my first company I turned to a professional for help.
But first I had to be honest with myself and face the fact that there was a problem.
As my friend Marcus Sheridan put it, most people in business have no idea who they really are.
I could easily extended this statement to life.
Most people in life have no idea who they really are or what they stand for.
What do you stand for?
Which lies can you stop telling yourself? Even better, which lies can you stop believing?
It’s time to stop lying to ourselves and change our habits.
photo credit: Toni Blay
Hi I'm a coach who believes life is an adventure, and entrepreneurs need to cultivate an adventure mindset to succeed.
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks John. This is too good. i go back to a word i have used a lot on line. Be GENUINE. Be yourself. No one else can be you. I like the new and improved me. I have a long way to go, but I now know I must be Honest, Open-minded and Willing to change and grow. It is so good to really and truly Care about people.
So much better to live this kind of life. I will try and remain teachable, listen, observe and learn as much as possible, so I can be of better service to others.
Thanks again john, not only for this post, but for the way you write and your willingness to help others. So good to see.
Al
@Faryna Thanks Stan, time is on nobodies side
The lies I tell myself are usually in the opposite direction. I tell myself how much I’m going to get done the next day and when I’m actually in the moment, I realize it’s insane and I’m setting the bar too high. This is a bad type of lie too because it’s always disappointing to not finish everything I though I was going to finish. Very unproductive!
@EugeneFarber Hi Eugene
Awesome post at Dannys today. You nailed the ROI debate.
I think we try to squeewe way too much into a day and not enough into a month or a year; Everyone I know has huge daily to-do list but when I ask them what is on your 30 day list; the silence is deafening.
I stick to a few items on my list; how many do you put on yours everyday?
@John Falchetto I don’t have too many things on the daily list, but the problem is that they are pretty broad and big things to do. Not specific little goals I can meet. And I need to start keeping a 30 day list too.
Hello John,
This is something that I’ve recently (in the last year) got a grip on. I used to tell myself all kinds of things and actually believe it on the outside. But deep within, I didn’t. This conflict created some self-doubt battles and a lack of confidence in some areas.
While surely not completely healed from this – I’ve made progress. I accept things for what they are and figure that they are the way they are for a reason. Even in situations that work against me I believe are still for me; lessons.
I hope things are well for you and your family John!
@Jk Allen Thanks for asking about the family, you know what they mean to me. They are also a very good reason for me to stay honest and face the facts rather than my feelings about the facts.
It’s really interesting how you made this progress. How did you do it JK?
@John Falchetto The process has begun in me by being aware. With maturity comes new insights on life. Realizing that I want so much out of life I had to get real and honest with myself. Awareness has been the biggest driver. It’s like when you can see yourself from a 3rd party perspective, you get a complete different glimpse than what the mirror offers.
I guess it’s a matter of perspective John. One I’m no where close to mastering, but surely actively working on.
So, are you saying I might not be the best looking guy around?
Some of these lies are certainly limiting factors, barriers we create because we don’t want to hear or know the truth.
One of the biggest challenges in my business is when we have the opportunity to sit knee to knee with the decision maker on the appointment we worked so hard to get; is to ask the hard questions. We lie to ourselves and sometimes skirt the questions because we know it can lead to a ‘no, we don’t need to go any further’. Therefore, we keep it a ‘nice’ visit and ‘hope’ we will be compelling enough later so they want to do business with us.
I don’t want to waste my time or the business owners time so I make myself ask these questions up front to be sure we are on the same page and know exactly what the level of expectations are. Similar to @AmeenaFalchetto article, you need to have ‘walk away’ power and fire the prospect if necessary. Don’t fool yourself into thinking the hard questions don’t need to be asked.
@bdorman264 Fooling ourselves that avoiding the hard questions fools us into believing we will not have to deal with the hard answers. Great point Bill; you are so right; to be able to ask the hard questions we need to have the guts to take the answers.
How do you do it?
@John Falchetto Fortunately I do have an established book of business so it makes it easier to walk away from a bad fit. However, by asking the questions it differentiates you from the pack and most time business owners respect that; they want to cut through the BS.
@bdorman264 Absolutely, having the discipline and professionalism differentiates us from the pack.
Asking tough questions is an art form
Kind of ironic that ‘Lying to ourselves’ which is sometimes one of the most powerful self survival tools to keep our sanity, is also the most damaging. It is a survival tool that we use when the worst of tragedies befall us. And we all spend much of our lives clinging to sanity. I mean with some ridiculous % of the population on mood drugs obviously we all struggle.
The problem is time brings closure….always. You can live in denial about something but in the end time will bring it to the front. Like not paying your mortgage and refusing to acknowledge you can lose your house to the bank…until you do.
The biggest part of living in denial and I am wholeheartedly admitting it is something that has bitten me numerous times is when you wait and wait the results are much more painful. Resolution can cost much more financially, mentally, physically etc.
Funny John that ironically the United States spends more time lying to itself than fixing it’s problems. Perfect case study in things getting worse from this. Everyone passes the buck or milks the system not caring about their kids or grandkids having to deal with it. GOOD people do this.
Very hard changing behaviors when your ..ahem…role models…are behaving so delusionally.
@HowieSPM Who said we should have role models?
When bad things happen to us, our very well-meaning friends and family will tell us that things will work out eventually. A statement like that might help us feel better, but it’s actually a big, fat lie. There is no magic way to solve problems. You have to face the truth and take action to improve your situation.
@marianne.worley You are right Marianne, things will never work out ‘eventually’ unless we do something about it.
Sometimes well meaning folks actually don’t help with statements like these. I remember during my EMT training one of the things they drilled into us is to never say “you are going to be ok’ which is a natural reaction to a panicked victim. The preferred message should be ‘I’m going to help you’.
We can never guarantee the outcome, as you say there is no magic way to solve problems.
@marianne.worley Time after time, I’ll read a comment by Marianne Worley. And I’ll think to myself: GENIUS!
My favorite lie I tell myself? The wind is blowing 51 mph; you shouldn’t ride or you’ll be blown off your bike. I check the wind every morning before I ride and, if it’s more than 40 mph, I don’t go out. Sure, I ride the trainer, but it’s not the same. I don’t know that I’ll be blown off my bike. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. But it’s a fun little lie I tell myself when I’m overly tired and just don’t feel like a hard ride.
That’s, like, the best excuse ever @ginidietrich ! I use a similar excuse for going for a walk. “It’s too damn hot.” I’ve been coming home from work in triple digit temps for the last four months straight. Every time I think about going for a simple walk to break up the otherwise sedentary monotony of my seat-bound life, I think about how hot it is and the eliptical machine in the extra bedroom collects a little more dust.
The biggest lie I struggle with is the one that suggests my efforts are in vain. Why should I put the extra effort into this? The established, hack media outlets are already driving the industry, financially. And why should I keep trying, when the whole thing seems to depend upon my direct, personal involvement? What’s the point of building a cathedral when so few others see it as anything but stacking bricks?
Then I remember “First they ignore you, then they mock you, then they fight you, then you win.” I digitally surround myself with people taking chances, chasing, no, harnessing their dreams and passions, and charting their own courses too. This keeps me going.
Things are looking up.
@Brian Driggs Hi Brian
I think many times we set ourselves up for failure. I know that if I say to myself I will go for a run before dinner, it will never happen. I will keep working right up until dinner and find excuses not to go.
When I lived in Dubai (which has 5 months of 120 weather) I would hit the road in the morning when it’s cooler.
I know @ginidietrich loves her mornings also even the windy ones
Well, if it’s worth anything, I’m sore this morning from spending a little (and I mean a little) quality time with the equipment yesterday.
@ginidietrich You don’t ride when it’s windy? I guess it makes sense from a safety aspect as you can get pushed into traffic. It sounds like the voice of reason to me, not a cop out.
As for training hard, well I injured myself last month so I couldn’t run or cycle.
I alternated between crossfit training and high intensity training circuits and boy did it hurt. I think moving out of the usual training schedule into something our body isn’t used to is harder.
That voice (lizard brain) seems like the enemy but we have to remember it’s there for our survival. It’s just not interested in fulfillment, happiness, or a values-rich life. I think it’s pursuits like the 30 day challenge and community that work best on that voice. Small steps consistent over time make the difference; not a full on attack! And there you have my two cents for the day
@Sandi Amorim Thanks Sandi, your support means a lot to me. Yes it’s all about working on it everyday, for the rest of our lives. Small steps over time, you just captured my post in 4 words.
My little voice says.”Nobody cares what you’re doing. Nobody’s interested.” There are moments when I have a battle in my head! And the other voice, the one that is more positive, always wins by telling the other one to shut up and go away. LOL.
I thought about great explorers like Christopher Columbus. What he did with his life makes a great story, but I wonder what social and psychological battles he had to fight his way through to just get the boat in the water and convince a crew of people to come along for the ride.
I just remembered my daughter teaching herself to ride a bike (she was always so independent). She’d fly down the driveway to our house, crashing every time for hours. She was beat up and visibly angry. A few times she threw the bike on the ground. She wouldn’t accept any help. She just kept walking back up to the top of the hill. And eventually she succeeded. Some people are driven like that. The only thing she needed me to do was to provide the bike and the cheers. Others might need more hands-on help. Everyone’s different. I’m learning that there are very generous people online (and off) who consistently lend a helping hand. Their voice helps me fight those discouraging voices down.
I’m grateful for that.
@BetsyKCross Hi Betsy,
Sounds like your daughter has an amazing spirit. Funny how kids have it and we slowly loose it when we grow up. It takes a lot of hard work to get it back.
Have to agree with Ameena about how damaging that voice can be. Part of the challenge is learning how to ask for help and when to admit defeat.
@TheJackB Hi Jack,
Good evening! That voice is our biggest enemy and it has killed more spirits than any critic out there. Admit defeat really?
@John Falchetto Yes, sometimes we need to admit defeat and accept that we have failed. That doesn’t mean giving up but acknowledging that our plan/strategy wasn’t working and that it needs to be changed.
Failure is just another opportunity to learn, albeit sometimes more painful.
@TheJackB Accepting defeat, that’s a very good idea and a tough one also. I think many time accepting defeat is linked to giving up, two different routes though. Great point.
@John Falchetto It is linked to giving up but it doesn’t have to be. Perspective, it is all about perspective.
Jack, that is entirely my problem. Darn ego keeps getting in the way! @TheJackB
@John Falchetto John, great point about “it will work itself out”. I am going through that with an employee right now. The pain of replacing them is overriding the pain being caused for my business, but I know it needs to be done!
That little voice inside our heads can be so damaging. I’m down for the challenge. It always helps to be surrounded by other’s (even virtually) who are motivated to achieve something – it fills my mind with positives rather than excuses!
@Ameena Falchetto The solution starts inside but we can only really win by looking out and enlisting others
@John Falchetto I like this John, Ameena! If we could make it on our own, we would LOL, but life is all about relationships, isn’t it!? Without them, we’re all the poorer. They say even our emotional health thrives when we are involved in life-giving communities (like these
I agree with you Ameena, it is important to surround ourselves with uplifting positive people. So many of the voices in our heads are echoes.
Lori
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